Why the hell are you wearing a dress?
by Evania Awristeta
Summary: Picture this. It's Aragorn and Arwen's wedding day and the fellowship is kidnapped... by two teenagers from our world bent on keeping them as slaves. WARNING: Includes a pink parrot, Aragorn in a dress, Gandalf Gagnam style and two hyper Legolas obsessed teens.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Me: I, unfortunately, "Sniff" do… not own… the lord of the rings. "Bursts into tears" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Legolas: It's ok. I'll still love you.

Me: Really?

Legolas: Hell no! You look like an orc!

Me: Oh really? "Stares at him evily"

2 HOURS L8R.

Me: "Throws unconscious Legolas down the stairs" Well that's over

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**CHAPTER 1: Abducted and/or Arwen's surprising rant.**

It was Aragorn and Arwen's wedding day, only two weeks after the war of the ring and the whole fellowship was there to witness the joyous moment including Boromir, who had been briefly reincarnated as a very fluffy, very pink and very, very angry, girl parrot. Arwen and Aragorn were just about to kiss when a voice rang out, "I object!" everyone turned to stare at Pippin, "Oh no! I meant I object to the restaurant that Frodo wants to go to." He turned to the other hobbits, "KFC is so better than !" They began to argue again.

Aragorn looked at them confusedly and then shook his head and leaned towards Arwen's lips. Suddenly an orc ran in with a pizza box, "Who ordered a double cheese and pepperoni?" Everyone turned to stare at Sam, " Oh sure blame the fat one!" Then Gandalf stepped forward, "Sorry, that would be mine." he said. Sam was grumbling as the orc gave Gandalf his pizza and then burst into sparkly confetti.

Everyone had a W.T.F. look on their faces.

"Well if that's over…" said a slightly pissed off, and even more confused Aragorn, who then leaned towards Arwen again, their lips only an inch apart when…

"Hey! Get your filthy claws off! He's mine!"

"You've got to be f*cking kidding me!" screamed a very angry king of Gondor. Everyone turned to the newest interruption to find a beautiful, tanned girl with brown, curly hair standing at the end of the wedding aisle. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt with Gollum printed on it and she had sparkly Rudolf antlers in her hair. And she was holding Gandalf's staff.

"Oh f*ck" was all that Gandalf had time to say before the entire fellowship disappeared in a flash of lavender scented smoke…

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…and reappeared. In someone's basement.

As they all began to wake up after the inter-world-traveling induced coma, they noticed that they were tied to separate chairs Oh! And Pippin was gagged. "Shit! Not again!" said Legolas. The other eight stared at him, "What? It's not the first time that I've been kidnapped by a teenage fangirl." he said looking faintly ticked off. Then the door opened and two girls walked in arm in arm. The first was the girl who had captured them. She looked around 15 and was actually quite kind looking even if she was holding them against their will. The other girl looked a bit younger, only around 13. She had long, light-brown, wavy hair that fell to her shoulders. Her nose was covered with a spattering of freckles and she was quite pretty too. The two were exact opposites. Light and Dark. Ying and Yang. The pale girl's eyes were a beautiful ocean blue whereas the tanned girl's eyes were a very dark, flashing brown. The pale girl was dressed the same as their captor but was wearing a light-blue skirt and a sparkly headband with shamrocks on springs on it.

The dark girl walked around them, bowing and saying "My lord" to them all, with a velvet accent, until she got to Legolas, where she said "My prince" and smiling coyly she touched his hair. He looked bored and slightly irritated as he peered up at her. When she passed Boromir all she did was sneer. Aragorn wasn't so lucky. "You." The other girl was not very happy with her friend's address of the king and went to him first, apologising for the other's behaviour. She gave Legolas the same treatment as the one before but seemed more embarrassed and was blushing when she joined her friend.

They spoke together as if they had practised it, "We hope that you had a nice journey my lords!" The dark one stepped forwards, "I am Ashabi Louise," she said bowing low," I cannot wait for us to get better aquainted." She shot a quick glance at Legolas when she said this. Then it was the others turn, "I am Lanni Danni," she stuttered, obviously nervous, "It is a pleasure to meet you all." She bowed quickly before leaving.

Ashabi turned to the eight legends in the room, "I am in need of slaves and have chosen you for the roles," she explained, "you will be kept here until you submit to me, your powers and/or skills. Until then…" she walked over to Pippin and un-gagged him, "Pippin would you like to tell the others your life story?" Pippin beamed, "Of course!" The rest of the fellowship groaned and Boromir began to wish that he was still dead, or at least that he was a human and not a parrot. Ashabi smiled, "…enjoy!"

Back in Gondor, a very angry Arwen and a very confused couple of hundred, innocent bystanders had been struggling to understand what had happened. When (the slightly dumb) Arwen finally got it, she turned a frightening shade of plum. She looked like a volcano that was overdue to explode. "You've got to be kidding! First I find out that I'm gonna die because of the (blinking) guy that I fell in love with, then my dad says that I can't (censored) marry him, then I find out that he's going on a quest that could (beeping) kill him!...

2 HOURS L8R!

"And now he's (flicking) disappeared!"

Everyone was staring at her with their mouths hanging open, both shocked at the vocabulary that she used, and impressed that she was able to rant for so long without repeating herself even once. Of course, Elrond was not happy that Arwen was using such colourful language, "Arwen. If you swear one more time I'm not letting you marry Aragorn! " This was not a smart thing to do as the new queen of Gondor was looking for someone to vent her anger on. She turned to her father and screamed, "I AM SICK OF YOU RUNNING MY LIFE YOU OVERBEARING, CONCEITED, SELFISH JERK! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MY OWN (!$%&** #) LIFE!" Then she realised that she'd sworn again," Shit." Her father glared at her. "Can I marry Legolas then? He was my second choice." She asked.

REVIEW OR THE PRECIOUS GETS IT! *holds ring over mount doom*

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!


	2. Chapter 2: WAFFLES!

**DISCLAIMER:** I, waffles, do, waffles, not, waffles, own, waffles, the, waffles, fellowship, waffles.

Me: PIPPIN! Get away from my laptop!

WAFFLES!

**Chapter too: WAFFLES and WOOFS!**

Aragorn opened his eyes slowly…. And snapped them closed again when he heard pippin talking. He fought to lose himself in sweet, pippin-les sleep but he could not. He looked around the dungeon to see that the other members of the fellowship were suffering the same fate. Merry was singing crazily, Legolas looked like he was having, rather evil, thoughts about torturing hobbits and Gandalf, Frodo and Sam looked like they were going to burst into tears. It didn't help that Boromir, being a parrot, kept repeating EVERYTHING that pippin said.

Aragorn was straining at the ropes that tied him to the chair, hoping to get his hands over his ears or at least knock himself unconscious, when their fluffy-haired captor, Ashabi, walked in. The minute she walked in everyone was begging her to make Pippin shut up. She gave them a malicious grin, "I will continue to torture you with this until one of you surrenders to be my eternal servant." Legolas looked at her and decided to use every fangirl's and fanfiction's worst enemy, logic. "How could all of us become your eternal servants when not all of us are immortal?" Ashabi glared at him, "Because I'm awesome, and I have waffles." Suddenly Pippin stopped babbling and a crazed look came into his eyes. "Uh oh!" said Boromir. "Waffles?" whispered the demented midget," WAFFLES!" he shrieked. He began screaming and laughing manically, straining at his bonds.

Gandalf looked at the, very frightened, girl and said, "I will be your servant if you take me away from this demon," He indicated the now frantic Pippin, "What do you wish me to do?" Ashabi became as excited as a teenage girl could get when finding out that the most awesome ninja wizard that ever existed was under her control, "I was going to let you become my private magic teacher and come up with new spells but I had an assistant in mind for you to try new spells on and he has not agreed to my terms yet," she eyed Legolas evilly, "So instead you will be sent to… *insert dramatic music here* The unicorn farm!"

"Ok!"

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**2 Hours l8r…**

"THIS IS WHAT MY JOB IS!" screeched a very angry Gandalf, as he looked into the pit of evil, fire-breathing, razor-sharp fanged, pink, fluffy creatures. To make things worse, they were all singing "pink fluffy unicorns feasting on the souls of all things good and just" Ashabi smiled at him," Yep! Have fun!" she shoved him into the pit. Soon all that could be heard were the terrified screams of a person in terrible pain and the vicious roars, growls and giggles coming from the only creatures that even Morgoth feared, unicorns. There was also a good deal of bones cracking, claws ripping and agonised moans. *~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*~#*

**Back in the basement…**

Somehow the fellowship had untied themselves, Gimli by using his horrible stench to scare the rope away, Merry by eating it and Legolas and Aragorn by using the power of swag 'cause they're awesome like that, and they had gagged a, still waffle obsessed, Pippin and were untying the others. Pippin was starting to get sick off being gagged. The fellowship looked up when they heard the door open. The girl skipped down the stairs happily… until she was ambushed by seven very annoyed men of various races. "Stop!" she shouted. They stopped, and then they saw Gandalf's staff. They had enough time to see the evil smile on her face before everything went black.

When they came to, they were clamped to the chairs with strange metal helmets on. Ashabi smiled when she saw the frightened looks that they were giving her, "The next stage of your torture is to watch this," she held up a Dora box set, "and you must answer every question or you will be given a mild electric shock." They all looked at each other, even in another universe Dora was known to be the most brain meltingly annoying person to ever exist.

**4 hours l8r**

"Swiper, no swiping! Yeah! He's gone. Now, can you find the mountain? Where is it?"

"Behind you." Chorused the exhausted fellowship, this was horrible! The only person who seemed to enjoy this was Boromir, who kept shouting out the answers very enthusiastically. Pippin was unconscious from the electric shocks, Sam was crying and Frodo was starting to wish that he had jumped into mount doom when he'd had the chance. Then the TV went blank. They heaved a sigh of relief, or in the parrot's case of regret, and waited for their captor. Suddenly Pippin regained consciousness, but instead of babbling like he normally did, he started barking. Ashabi walked down the stairs and untied him, saying things like "good boy! Come here!" which he did. She grinned at the remaining men, "Torture is concluded for today! And thank you for the new puppy!" then she left with Pippin crawling along beside her.

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REVIEW AND GANDALF WILL SURVIVE!

Tnx to the people who have already reviewed! And to one certain reviewer, thank you for your criticism, although it was not worded very kindly. If anyone wants to give advice, I would be grateful.

#NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM! #NOM!


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